Thursday, October 18, 2012

Walmart Survival

Today I am going to tell you a story. A story about the time I got lost in Walmart. It was a Saturday afternoon when me and my mom were buying some random stuff for the house. We were walking around and I saw a movie playing in the electronic section, so I started watching it. I was watching it for so long, I didn’t even know my mom had moved on. I got up, and started looking for her. I was looking all over for her, and I couldn’t find her anywhere. Down the twinkie aisle, up the vacuum aisle. I couldn’t find her so I went back to the electronics and continued watching the movie. I knew I couldn’t watch this movie forever. I knew I had to survive....

Journal Log 01- I went to the survivalist aisle. I grabbed a tent, set it up, and made a fire. I knew I had to find food, so I went and got some oreos. I also dragged a matress over from the Home Improvements aisle, and dozed off. When I woke up, I peeked out my tent window, and saw a wild pow (Person Of Walmart). I was so terrified, I froze in my place until it moved. It had a six pack of Mountain Dew, with ten boxes of Twinkies and Doritos. Rolls and rolls of fat on its sides, skinny jeans, backwards hat, and a shirt that read swag, and pants that read on the back... Bootylicious. Now thats a pretty big word, so you can imagine how massive this creature was. It was the most dangerous pow I had ever seen with ten offspring trailing behind it screaming and sampling unwashed grapes. The creature had spotted me. I quickly ducked behind the door. My heart was racing as the creature just stared at me, but luckily it had ignored me, and moved on to the clearance section...

In The Interest Of Time...

Journal Log 02 - It has been twenty-four hours since I last saw civilization. Oreos are running low. I have already encountered five pows, three with offspring. An hour ago I watched a dust bunny frolic across a shelf and thought about how it lived a simple, normal life. I don’t think I can fight on any longer. I just want to give up, but I can’t. If you’re reading this, please send help. I can’t live like this forever...

Journal Log 03 - It has now been thirty-six hours since I last saw my mother. I have been living on a steady diet of pepsi, spray cheese on crackers, and a secret energy drink. I have learned how to trap the pows offsprings with a bag of grapes under a box propped up by a ruler tied to a string. The classic trap of Bear Grylls. The pows, as stupid as they are, run in fear when one of their children is captured. After they are captured, they are put into a Ninja Blender © and pureed into a nutritious drink...

Journal Log 04 - Hour forty-eight I watched  a search party RC Heli fly over. I tried to signal  it, but my little two dollar flashlight had no effect as I waved it in the air. Piece of junk... In other events there was a fire in the store today so it started to rain. There was this horrible screeching sound as men with masks and hoses rushed in and sprayed down the chandelier section. As they were not familiar to me, I hid inside my house that has now fortified by mattresses and flat screen TV’s.

Journal Log 05 - After three weeks of being stranded in Walmart, My mom has finally returned. After almost a month of eating nothing but crackers and Pepsi, I have finally returned home. This experience has taught me absolutely nothing and I never want to go shopping again. Thanks Universe...


  1. Very creative, Jake! Sounds like a terrifying experience. ;)

  2. Nice sounds really fun and you should show me some time! :D

  3. wow jake you are really god wrighter i like how yu capturd the readers ttention even with the title. very good job also love how you did the logs like you were an actuwal pow. ver intresting, cant wait til next post.

  4. I'm shocked. Great job, best one I've ever seen

  5. I have to agree with Collin. I give you the award for the best thought out piece of writing I have ever seen with my own eyes( if that says much). I don't get how you think of stuff like that!! good job.